Text from Hilary.

Face-Off

I just want to see your face. Is that too much to ask for?

I’ll admit, I’m part of the iPhone social app scene. I have a profile on Scruff & Growler. I used to have a profile on Grindr, but I got tired of 19 year olds sending me pictures of their junk at all hours of the night.

For some of you, this would be a welcomed activity. For me, not so much.

I find that as I get older (and by no means do I consider myself old) I am dating men closer to my age – which would be 38. When I was in my 20’s, I dated men in their late 30’s & early 40’s – and now I find myself doing the same thing, even though I am not getting any younger. Never been attracted to the younger guys…

But I digress.

I have quite the popular profile on the social apps I use, and it is not for my pictures. (Although I would like to think that has something to do with it.) Many guys send me very positive responses, thanking me for using my profile to speak the truth. Mostly my profile is a commentary on what I take issue with related to other guys profiles – with a little humor tied in. Trust me, as you scan though the profiles of these apps, there is plenty there to give you a chuckle.

My main gripe is about the pictures. I realized this when I went on a date with a guy I had met on line. When we met, he looked at me, rather surprised and said, “Wow, you look just like your profile picture.”

Umm…isn’t that the point?

What I have come to realize is that many gay men have come to expect that when you meet a guy on line, the real life presentation is going to be different. In other words, lying and deception is becoming not just the norm, but it is almost being encouraged. That’s kinda scary if you ask me.

The pictures I post of myself have 3 qualities. They’re clear, they’re current, and they’re actually of me.

Using an authentic photo; I know, what a concept.

To me, there is absolutely no reason that any guy should post a grainy, blurry, (sideways - my biggest pet peve!)  low quality photo to their profile, and THEN to say that they aren’t able to improve it. Most smartphones that use these apps have some of the highest quality, most advanced cameras ever built. Why they never get used, I have no idea. Not to mention, most guys who gripe about not being able to obtain a high quality photo have crystal clear photos of what’s below the waist.

Amazing isn’t it?

1. Let’s start with the face – SHOW IT! If your photo is of you more then 15 feet from the camera, your face is something that I am not going to be able to see, especially if I am viewing it from my iPhone. I don’t care about scenery, the friends you are standing with, or for fucks sake, your pet that you may have included in the photo. I can’t cuddle with the statue next to you, horizon behind you, or your dog, no matter how cute they are. Your face, or even a photo from the waist up -  start with that.

2. C’mon guys, show how you really are on a regular basis. That photo from your cousin’s wedding might be awesome, but unless you’re a host at a fancy restaurant and you wear a tuxedo every day, use a photo that is a bit more realistic. This also goes for photos of you dressed up in a Halloween costume. A costume? Really? I mean, really? You might have been the sexiest ninja turtle at the party, but seriously – is that your best side?

3. Let be honest. If you’re bald, don’t post six photos of you in a ball cap – that’s just a bit too obvious. Or even worse, crop your photos so they cut you off at the forehead. Bald is not bad, and in some cases, bald can be quite sexy. (I’ve always had a thing for Mr. Clean types.) This also goes for posting a photo from 10 years ago where you were 50 to 100 lbs lighter – then saying in your profile that you’ve gained a “little weight” – and considering yourself to be honest. That’s like posting a picture of your car when it was brand new – 10 years ago – and saying it has a little “wear and tear”.

Please.

And what the hell is up with mirror photos from the gym? I could give a shit less about the gym you work out at, or the décor of the locker room. Oh, trying to get a good pic of that “pumped up” look? Unless you can keep that attribute all day, don’t bother. I would rather see a photo of you, as well, YOU. Still confused? See #2.

Just FYI – there are guys out there who like men with a little more girth, or a little less hair on their head. Personally, I like the burly, manly types. I’ll take a beefy linebacker  over 6 pack abs any day of the week. I also know I’m not alone in this. There are other guys like me out there. I know – I’ve tried to steal their boyfriends. ;-)

To me, a little more on-line honestly would result in guys actually meeting other guys who like them for who they are – not for who they think  you are. Be it for a random hook-up, a date, or just coffee - it just reduces those awkward surprises. 

 If you want a fantasy, try porn. Those guys get paid a lot of money to be the fantasy, and most of them are quite good at it. For the real world, try a little honesty – you might be surprised at what you find.

Next up – profile writing; you’d think it wouldn’t be that difficult. 

Cheap and Tawdry

Apologies for this late post, I’ve been sick with strep. I feel like I’m back in high school. Apparently, it’s going around…

To be fair, there are times when we have all felt short changed, or that someone else has gotten the upper hand. You found the person sitting next to you on your flight got their ticket for fifty bucks cheaper, or the couple sitting across from you at the restaurant is enjoying complimentary desserts. Just remember, for every time you’ve felt like you’ve gotten the short end of the stick, there’s someone who’s been jealous of you for a benefit you might have received as well.

And why were you trying to get a stick in the first place, let alone wanting the longer end? Hmm, I guess that will be for another blog post.

Most of us chalk it up to timing or luck when either we come upon a free VIP experience, or we witness someone else, get a similar bonus or a discount. This reminds me of when my friend Jose and I went to Disneyland one brisk January morning, and out of all the people who were waiting in line to buy tickets, a man approached the two of us, offering us free early admission tickets that he had won, but could not use. I was skeptical, but he walked with us to the gate, and they were valid tickets, so we paid him (and he only asked for ½ the cost of face value) and proceeded to enjoy our day. Yep, a little luck, and we were given a nice bonus.

But for some people, this is not just luck, it is intentionally biased and is completely unfair. This man who offered me and my friend tickets should have offered them to everyone? Right? If this seems a bit outlandish, I would have to agree.

 But unfortunately, a certain Ms. Lynn Evenchik, doesn’t.

Evenchik, who hails from my home state of Arizona (why am I not surprised?) found it unfair when she discovered that the AVIS rental car she paid for in San Diego was offered to members of theInternational Gay and Lesbian Travel Association and National Gay and LesbianChamber of Commerce for a 20% to a 25% discount.

Note - the discount was to members of these organizations, and not just to random gays and lesbians. I just couldn’t see homos going into Avis and saying, “I’m here, I’m queer, and I deserve it cheaper!”

Please, some of us have standards.

Evenchik is now suing Avis on the grounds that the discounts they are giving violate California’s civil rights act, specifically saying the business cannot give discounts to people based on their sexual orientation.

Oh lord. Let’s just start with the obvious, shall we?

Once again, the discounts were not given just to anyone based on their sexual orientation. They were given to members of the IGLTA and the NGLCC, both of which are open to anyone with regards to membership – just check their websites. So, Ms. Evenchik (who ironically is a travel agent – thank you linked-in) could easily join the IGLTA or her local chapter of the NGLCC, the GPGLCC – Greater Phoenix Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce – and receive said discount. You do not need to be gay to join either of these groups.

To say that Avis’s choice to give discounts to these groups is discriminatory is the same as saying that it would be discriminatory to offer discounts to members of AAA, AARP, or any other group that often negotiates deals with rental car companies for discounts. All of these are groups open to having Ms. Evenchik apply for membership. Even AARP. (I’ll bet ya!)

Bottom line? I hope Avis counter sues her for legal fees and/or this case is thrown out of court, because it really has no merit, in my humble opinion. No, I’m not an attorney, but you really don’t have to be one to realize the difference between discrimination and ignorance. Ms. Evenchik is simply ignorant as to how these discounts were being offered, and that she has the ability, just as much as anyone else, to get them.

But won’t this be an awkward conversation for Ms. Evenchik at the chamber of commerce monthly mixer? I do hope so. 

Log Cabin. It's Better as a Syrup.

I don’t get it. I really don’t. I’ve tried to, honestly, I have. I’ve listened to arguments, investigated perceptions and discussed the topics down to a nub, but I still for the life of me do not understand one thing:

Gay Republicans.

Now, for starters, I’m not going to get into a huge political debate, which could (and usually does) explode into a gigantic finger-pointing, name calling debacle. No, I will avoid that, and focus on what I consider to be the obvious.  

And I am not going to mention Taylor (ok, maybe a little) the bow-tied star of Logo’s reality series, “The A list: Dallas” (Yes, it is a guilty pleasure of mine) who claims his basis for being a gay republican is so that he can keep more of his money to buy more shoes. He even reveled in the fact that he had lunch with Ann Coulter, who during that lunch suggested that when liberals find the gay gene, that they will abort babies found with that gene.

Gee, there’s a lunch conversation that I’ve been dying to have.

Before we discuss the elephant in the room (pun intended), I’ll share that being gay should not now, or ever, pre-dispose or require you to affiliate with any one specific political party. This is a free country (at least I’d like to believe so) and one of said freedoms is that it is your choice as to what belief system of politics you will buy into.

I have a very sound system when I choose the politicians I want to support. It's called the just-about-anyone-but-the-old-white-guy approach. So far, it’s been slim pickings.

Oh, and for the record, I’m a registered independent. 

With Rick Perry’s message on something being wrong with this country when gays and lesbians can serve openly in the military, Michelle Bachman’s husband who claims to help people pray the gay away in his practice, Rick Santorum being…well…Rick Santorum, and every other republican candidate being very direct that they believe gays should not be allowed to marry, (and I am not even going to get into the Ron Paul copout of “it should be up to the states”), and opposing the repeal of DADT, I struggle to see what there is to support, or why anyone gay would think to support any of these candidates.

Yup, simple as that.

I have a very hard time buying into the “partial support” theory. Often I hear from gay republicans in interviews that they support many of the political platforms that the republican party supports, yet they disagree with the republican views on equal rights for gays and lesbians.

My question then is, what can gays and lesbians be without equal rights? How can we truly reap benefit from such republican ideals such as free markets, lower taxes and limited government when this same party has a consistent track record of passing legislation, putting gays and lesbians in positions where they fear losing their jobs, their children, their loved ones (especially if they are not US citizens) – in short, their livelihood. I don’t see the trade-off.

Am I missing something?

After perusing the Log Cabin republican website, (for those of you who have been loving under a rock, the Log Cabin republicans are a national group of gay and lesbians who identify as republicans.) I took a moment to read their mission and history. Surely I would find something in there that made sense, something that could give a hint as to why one would put money in a hand that continually slapped them in the face once they did.

According to their website, in the late 70’s, Ronald Reagan (yes, mister former president himself) spoke out against the Briggs initiative, an anti-gay piece of legislation that would keep gays and lesbians from teaching in California public schools. The initiative failed and, “From that pivotal campaign, the first Log Cabin chapters formed in the Golden State.” 

Alright, so, Mr. Reagan did one good thing for gays and lesbians. Now, is this the same man, who as president, completely ignored the aids crisis? Ignored it for years, and wouldn’t even speak the word aids? Yup, the very same one. That is only one single example, and even though his views on gays and lesbians at one single time helped those in one state – overall throughout the US – not so much. He could have taken a proactive stance on hiv and aids, and helped to reduce the stigma the gay community suffered for many years because of the ignorance surrounding the crisis.

That didn’t happen.

The log cabin republicans say they exist to “make the Republican Party more inclusive, particularly on gay and lesbian issues.” 

Alrighty, let’s take a look at a timeline, starting with the 80’s – Reagan, two terms and not a whole lot of inclusiveness. Bush Sr., still not seeing any. Bush Jr., - where we saw his idea of a constitutional amendment to define marriage as between one man and one woman. (which speaks to how the republican party viewed gays and lesbians during his two terms.) Just to be fair, the log cabin republicans chose not to endorse Bush Jr. – for his second term. Apparently, it took a whole term of GW for them to finally come to the conclusion, “Hey, maybe this guy isn’t such a good choice.” Go figure. They did support McCain for president. Yes, McCain, a champion of gay rights. A supporter of DOMA, and fought tooth and nail (and happily failed) to keep DADT in place.

Hell, I’ll even throw Clinton in the mix – who gave us DADT and signed DOMA in 1996.

If the log cabin republicans have existed since the late 70’s and have been working on inclusion, where is it? Was it here? Did I miss it? Was it disguised as something else? Did the “liberal media” forget to cover it?

I don’t see it, at all. I'm looking at the republican front-runners for president, and with regards to equal rights for gays and lesbians, I'm not seeing any change in policy, platform, or anything that would indicate the republican party is any more inclusive than it was 30 years ago.

I don’t include what countless wives and daughters (i.e. McCain's and Bush's daughters) of republican candidates have done in the name of equal rights for gays and lesbians. Yes, they increase visibility, and it is truly honorable what they do – but in the end, they are not the ones passing legislation. They are not the ones addressing the country in a position of power. They cannot repeal discriminatory laws, nor implement policy that reflects equality.

Change? Where is it? After 30 or so years?  I’m talking to you log cabin republicans.

What would I like to see? Well, a party that can fuse the some of the more sound principles from the red and blue parties, and can have, across the board, equal rights for gays and lesbians. Other nations around the world are advancing in this area faster than we can even being to talk about it. Can’t we do something similar?

Sorry log cabin peoples, I cannot support any candidate, no matter how brilliant their economic or foreign policy platforms might be, when they come out and say that, if they are in office, that they will work to make sure I will never, and I emphasize the word never, have the same basic rights as any other 37 y/o (make that 38 in three weeks *sigh*) heterosexual human being. Simple as that.

Gay republicans - please, help me understand. Educate me. I still feel like I'm missing something.  

In the meantime, I do hope Taylor has been able to get some new shoes. At least it's not another bow tie.

First of all...

So, after taking advantage of new technology to stay more informed about news and other happenings with gay folks, I decided to start a blog and share my perspectives and opinions with the world. I know, I know...so original-groundbreaking even. No one else has dared to enter this arena of the internets to express their views with such grandeur and panache.

Yeah. Right.

Ok, so this is not the most original notion that has been established within the last 10 years or so, but still, I am a writer (for shameless promotion, click here!) and wanted a way to keep my skills up, and share a thought or two I have about other gays and some of the stuff they say and do. By now you have probably sensed that I do not agree with some of the things other gays do-and you’re right.

But first, let me tell you a little bit about where my perspectives are coming from. I am 37 years old, white, gay, male, and uh…tall. (6 foot 3 if you must know) I do not subscribe to any of the views that organized religion has tried to establish in this society. Instead, I look at the writings and lessons of these “religions” as philosophies. To me, they are just different versions of guidebooks on how to live life. As far as politics goes, I stay as far away as I can…well…to an extent. There are obvious things that I cannot help but comment on, but for the most part, politics is like one giant fantasy football game for the greedy and corrupt. Nope, no interest.

In my years on this planet, I’ve tried to actually understand what being gay really means. I’m fortunate that I was not raised with any strict religious, political or social views – therefore, I have had very little to “un-learn” so to speak. In my schooling, I have gleaned a great deal about languages, cultures, society, and in short – diversity. Thus, I have developed what I like to call an evolving view – stable but slowly changing. I’m always open to learning.

And as for my blog title? Homo = me and optimist = my views (peppered with a hit of sarcasm and satire). There is good out there, it does happen. I try to believe that the good things in life will somehow prevail; thought I'll admit, there are days when it doesn't seem likely. (i.e. the eight years of the G.W. Bush administration. Oh, that was quite a long time.)

If I haven’t impressed you by now, I probably won’t ever be able to. To be honest, that is not really by goal. Nevertheless, I’ll continue to share, come what may.